Dear Friend, I Hope You’re Well
Dear Friend,
It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to sit down and write. There’s been a lot distracting me and over the past year it has felt like the world needed less words and more action (even if that action is simply rest). But I wanted to catch up because I’ve been thinking about you, and this is the best way for me to connect and communicate.
There’s been this meme going around on TikTok that asks the question “Who would win if your 2018 self and your 2021 self got in a fight?” I think it’s fair to say that my 2018 self would win — he worked a fancy fashion job with a bunch of assholes, and was generally hardy and industrious. He woke up early so that he could code and read before his 9-to-5, and he spent his weekends walking from café to bookstore to café. My 2021 self, on the other hand, has physically and mentally atrophied from a year of quarantine. The fight wouldn’t last very long.
Connor in 2021 has significantly more anxiety about his health. Any cough, strain, or discomfort feels like it could be the thing that kills me. I’m not a stranger to anxiety, but this feels different from what I’ve experienced in the past. It comes out of nowhere, it lingers longer than it should, and it makes me afraid to do pretty much anything.
One thing that consistently helps is talking — when I talk to my friends, I’m distracted enough that I don’t have to worry about whether or not I’m going to suddenly drop dead. Some friends feel the same way. “Hearing that you’re dealing with the same kind of stuff makes me feel less crazy,” they tell me.
When I talk to my friends, they also tell me that their priorities have changed. Evan, a screenwriter who lives in Los Angeles, told me that screenwriting doesn’t feel as fun or important to him anymore. Kay, an entrepreneur in Austin, tells me that starting any kind of business just feels flat out wrong — they’d rather be doing something “meaningful”. Projects, careers, and hustles have been put on hold to make space for self-care and reflection.
It seems that the past year has made my peers and me ask ourselves “What the fuck are we doing?”. And the more I hear this, the angrier I get, because I feel like I should know the answer. The best I can do is assure my friends that they aren’t alone in feeling this way. Beyond that, there’s little else I can do for them.
Even as the vaccine rolls out, my world is filled with a tremendous amount of uncertainty (more than normal, I mean). Usually I could mentally plot out a trajectory for myself, balancing the movement of my environment with my personal goals. I would drink my coffee and write out what had happened in the past week so that I had a clearer vision of what I should do in the next one. But this has become more difficult. I feel like all I can do in such uncertain times is simply react to whatever happens to me and my country from week to week.
It’s not all bad though. There’s food on the table, a roof over my head, TikTok and video games. As a “productive” person, it’s sometimes an uphill battle convincing myself that having fun is not wasted time. After all, people hellbent on being productive turned to idiocy by venturing out into the world, maskless and demanding that restaurants and gyms stay open. When my friend Kevin asked me what I’ve been up to, I told him “Honestly, not a lot. Mostly video games and sleep.” He replied “That’s because you’re a good citizen.”
These kinds of paradigm shifts are probably why I feel anxious, and why my friends feel lost. Many of us are isolated physically, and in our fears we are isolated mentally. But the fact of the matter is we are far from alone, and my own resolve strengthens the more I touch base with my friends across the country and realize that we’re all on the same page. As someone who is always looking for something to “do”, I of course want to rally my friends together to immediately tackle the problems of climate, injustice, pandemic, and more. But it starts with radical acts of care, fostering true community and solidarity.
2018 Connor would almost certainly beat 2021 Connor in a fight. But my strength in 2021 and onward will not be individual. It will be one of many, banded together to carve out meaning from this year’s uncertainty.
Your friend,
Connor
